Learning to love the life I live...

reallykatie:

and while i’m glad to have finally quit smoking…daaaang, i miss it. i keep finding myself going through the motions with whatever’s in my hands. i’ve smoked pens, pencils, straws, rolled up paper, paperclips, a cat.

i just looked on ebay (OUT OF CURIOUSITY, i swear) to see how much it would cost to buy an illegal pack, you know, just for security-blanket sake, and the same packs i used to buy for $5-6 are selling for upwards of $80. $80!!! that’s ridiculous! on one hand i’m wishing i had stocked up some to sell on the black market, and on the other hand i wish i had stocked up enough to last me more than just last month. i.e. stocked up enough so i could have one right now, right this minute. ugh you guys i’m jonesing. JONESING.

it’s not even so much about the nicotine, i think. i mean, the buzz was nice, but i just miss the physical act of smoking. that’s gross, right? i miss inhaling nasty smoke into my lungs? but i do. OH I DO. i miss having the excuse to go sit outside in the afternoon sun or under the stars and have a few moments to myself to regulate my breathing and sort out my thoughts. i don’t miss stinky smoke breath or, you know, LUNG CANCER, but i miss everything else about it.

full disclosure, i almost had a nervous breakdown last weekend because i was going through a lot of crappy stuff and i haven’t taught myself healthy ways to deal with stress yet and i just missed smoking so much i wanted to cry, so i went to the gas station and bought a pack of camel lights and lit one up with shaky fingers. but i’m a freak of nature and allergic to regular tobacco and i can’t inhale them without getting sick. (believe me, i’ve tried).

so i have that as my “patch” right now, and it’s sort of working. (and this is the part where my mom should stop reading). it’s sort of like having sex without an orgasm. you go through the motions and it’s alright, but there’s absolutely no satisfaction in smoking without inhaling. which is really frustrating, but also good because it means i have less and less desire to do it.

then again, i’m sitting here googling how to illegally buy them online and writing a 4,000 word post on how much i miss them and racking my brain if i could possibly have any packs that i’ve forgotten that i stashed away somewhere and OMG my fingers are shaking a little bit.

so i guess the final verdict is, hey! i quit! and i’m happy that i quit because i don’t want to be a smoker anymore! but UGH I MISS IT SO MUCH RIGHT NOW I COULD CRY. this is a phase of quitting that passes quickly, right? right???

 I understand.  As a former smoker, I miss it.  Like you, I don’t miss the smelly clothes, fingers, or breath.  But I do miss the social aspect, and stealing some time outside, by myself for those moments, calming myself with a cigarette.  Here’s the part where you lose me.  What kinds of “packs” became illegal?  I have no idea what you’re talking about.  And is that why you quit?

emilyinternet:

vodka martinis, cranberry salsa, beet and carrot soup, pot pie samosas, organic steamed brussels sprouts, pumpkin cream ravioli, sage and chive stuffing, and caramelized pecan and apple cake with pumpkin ice cream. and a fabulous group of girlfriends to share this thanksgiving-ish dinner with.

 One day, I convinced myself that I was just a picky kid, and brussel sprouts were not nearly as bad as I remembered them to be.  I had them again recently.  Nope, I was wrong.  They really are as bad as I remembered.  I give you credit for liking them a lot, but they really must be an aquired taste. 

Are you ready for this?  I’m not sure you can handle the excitement!  We’re going… GROCERY SHOPPING!   We really need groceries.  Bad.  So bad that I can’t even make us anything for dinner tonight.  So that means we’re going out for dinner.  THEN grocery shopping!  Aren’t you getting excited?  I can totally tell you’re all jumping up and down for me in your seats! All of my coupons are ready!  (I’m a HUGE coupon cutter.  I also shop the sale paper like a fiend.)  That’s what having no job, and having your household income cut in half will do to you!  I just KNOW you’re all dying to know this, but I’ve actually saved us 48% on our grocery bill before!  Just my way of trying to stick it to the MAN! 

Oh yeah.  Don’t wait up for me.  We just might have too much fun tonight.

It’ll be a nice little Friday.  And we might try to hit up Home Depot, look at some flooring, I don’t know.  I just don’t know if we’ll have enough time. 

pantspocket:

Thank you so much both of you. Your blogs warmed my heart this morning. Much needed and much appreciated.

You two are awesome beyond bed and bath.

 You’re welcome.  :)  I’m glad I can help.

pantspocket:

It’s 2 AM and I’ve been laying here for two hours, alternating between Paper Toss and Facebook. Trolling through FB and seeing the dozens upon dozens of past coworkers (especially the most recent ones), I feel obsolete.

I feel like I am forgettable and replaceable.

Logic would dictate that I’m not, but logic doesn’t exist at 2 in the morning when you DON’T have to get up in the morning and go to work.

 Lacey, I know I’m 5 & 1/2 hours too late, and I hope sleep has found you by now, but I’m going to try anyways.  I’m not going to try and tell you everything is sunshine and rainbows.  Being laid off sucks.  It’s normal to feel unwanted, replaceable and obsolete.  It’s okay to lay in bed and cry.  Take the time you need to mourn the loss of your job.  Everyone is different.  There is no rule book on how to handle losing your job.  What you’re feeling is normal.  Just know one thing:  It’s not true.  If it were true, you would not have kept your career for TEN YEARS.  You have clearly been successful, and your talent didn’t just stop one day.  It’s all still there.  It will take time for people to call you for inteviews, jobs, and such.  Just keep plugging away.  You can do it, no matter how much is sucks ass.  And worthy employers will notice your talent, and snatch you up.  Until then, know that it’s okay to be upset.  To be VERY upset.  Deal with it however you need to.  And just know that even though you only know me as words on a webpage, I’m always here to listen, and to talk to.  If you ever need to talk, and don’t want to do it publicly on tumblr, please email me.  jdobbelhoff @ gmail . com.  Again, I hope you’ve gotten some sleep, and you’re feeling better when you wake.